Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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