Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
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I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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