Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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