now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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