When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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