my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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