My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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