any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
