Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
