so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
