Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
