My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
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Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
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I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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