Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
