Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
