went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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