I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
