found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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