just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
