My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
