I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
