Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
