Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
