I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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