My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
