I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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