he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
