I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
