The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
