I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
