So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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