I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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