Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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