Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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