me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
