y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
