My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
