haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
