We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
