yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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