I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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