Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
