take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
