ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
