just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
