There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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