How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
