Where is the hickey?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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