i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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