I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
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I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
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She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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