I am spending my child support on dildos
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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