This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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