Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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