You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
In America we eat man semen.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Randomize
