Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
