Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
