Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
