this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
me + whiskey = a bad person
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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